I haven’t been too bad with the triggers lately. Moving house has been a whirlwind of activity and distraction. However something cropped up the other day that hit me hard.
Since DDay, OH and I have deliberately started talking each evening about our day’s events, however exciting or boring our day has been. This is us showing an interest in the minutiae of each other’s “lives” when we are apart during the working day. Sharing of his day was something OH started deliberately hiding from me all those years of his EA.
The other night, OH was telling me about his day and mentioned his frustration that the earphone port on his phone was not working properly. He suggested he might have to get a new phone. My mind was immediately catapulted back to post-DDay which was the last time he had to get a new phone (and number for obvious reasons).
My heart started thumping wildly at the trigger and I had to try and breathe through the moment. OH noticed what I was doing and asked me to explain. When I did, he was very supportive and this led to a long-overdue conversation about how we were both feeling these days. He told me how sorry he still feels, every day, for his behaviour back then. How much he loves me and how much soul-searching and personal growth he has worked on. He also said he desperately hopes it is possible for me to learn to love him again, but he knows he must continue to be patient. I acknowledged the truth in all this and thanked him for continuing to work hard.
Nothing is certain, but I am more confident that moving away from a lot of the triggering situations was a good decision. However, I am realistic enough to know that many of the triggers are ingrained in my head and it is up to me to to work on controlling them myself.